he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
