sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
