ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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