I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
