i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
