i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
