this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Omg I joined a choir last night...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
