so explain again why im purple
no
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
