but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
