i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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