Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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