Sorry, I don't speak sober.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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