so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Small penises have feelings too.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
