i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
now i know why i became what i already was.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
