I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
