Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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