Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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