Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Randomize
