i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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