im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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