This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
