I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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