I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
