no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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