Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Randomize
