apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
