doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
