So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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