Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
