Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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