He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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