i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
