I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
