he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
