I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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