I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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