I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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