I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
