Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
