I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
