This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
