just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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