Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
