New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
