Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
