I can text with my tongue
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Operation Purity has been aborted
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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