i just had sex bonerless
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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