Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
