You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
