Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
