So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
