Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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